Dear Mam,

Its been a while since I've chatted to, a few years actually. I always feel like a knob when I sit in the church talking to what looks like myself. I mean how are people to know you're there when there's not a sign of you. Talking to your gravestone is no barrel of laughs either as I know you're not there. To sound corny, I can feel you around more in gardens and nature then I do at your grave. Possibly because you were always nattering on about plants and gardens and your beloved lawns. God, the amount of times you were out mowing them. I guess I really want to talk to you now because I'm starting to feel a tad lost. I'm starting to feel that you're not around. Before I could pretend. If I didn't go to the house, then chances are you were still there. Giving out about Puddles, giving out about the weather, about everything really. Threatening to wallop me even though your hands were sore with the arthritis. You always played that card. I miss you a lot. Its hard to put words on it. I've gotten the numbers for some counsellers but I don't want to go. To do so will only hammer home a point I don't want to accept.

So, lets do a titch on it and avoid the issue. How's things working out for you? Are the lawns nicer then here? Do you have to mow them as much? What do you reckon on the kid? 18 next month, I really really wish you were here for it. Its going to be so hard without you. Much like a lot of things. But I won't go on because then you'll have guilt. Typical Mam, guilt about something you can't control. I wonder though, you obviously heard about Mammy2's dad and how he went through a similar thing and he's sitting at home now healthy and all. With him it was cancer. With you it wasn't and yet...I get so frustrated. Could we have done something differently? There's no point I guess but its a fun way to pass the time. If you have that dark sense of humour like we do. I even miss the hospital smell that we associated with you when we visited. I tried to visit Mammy2's dad when he was in but it was too soon. I wonder will it always be too soon?

I have given up on following women who wear Tweed home. It was getting scary for them and the thought of a restraining order set me back a bit. I can stand for ages though beside a cut lawn, checking the sides to make sure its done properly. I remember days when you would sit with a scissors and spend over an hour cutting all around the edges so that the lawn would be just perfect. Granted, most people who passed by on the road looked on as if you were a nutter. You just brandished the scissors at them and they kept going. I wonder what you'd make of the kid now? How far she's come? She often asks do we think you'd be proud of her. I think so. She's very strong, like you were. She's had to deal with so much. I know I give out about her and all that, but you know she'll always be taken care of. Even when she's in her 40s and I have to use a zimmer frame to catch up with her :)

love,
Shelly