Its a Sunday night and I have not put in a weekend like this since Mam passed away. Saturday, the kid headed up town with specific warnings in relation to alcohol and smoking anything. I honestly didn't think that she would try anything again.
Myself and Mammy 2 were up town buying the rest of her christmas presents when the phone rang. It was St James hospital. The kid was in A&E after being brought in about 20 mins previous. We got as fast as we could up to the hospital stopping on the way to pick up a change of clothes for her as the head nurse said she had gotten soaked. We arrived up into the chaos that is A&E at about 5.45. Her best mate was in the waiting room and mentioned some of what had happened. A small bottle of vodka, cider and some other alcohloic beverage was drank as well as some weed being smoked. When the kid came out to us, she reeked of alcohol and her arms had been sliced up really bad. We had known she was was cutting herself which was why we were getting the help but not to the extent of the damage she inflicted upon herself at this stage.
The waiting room was hectic, we sent her mate home with a taxi fare, she had done enough for the night. Eventually one of the nurses came out to talk to us and she mentioned that the kid had been assesed and was now waiting for a doc to examine her and that this could take a while. Apparently there was some rule about no-one being allowed in with the patient due to the winter vomiting bug, but they made allowances as the kid was a minor and let me in. Mammy 2 headed home.
The kid was well out of it and as soon as I arrived into the inner waiting room , she fell straight to sleep with her head in my lap. A kind nurse arrived in with a pink hoody to keep her warm, she didn't even comment on the color clash! It was one of the more light-hearted momemts of the night. The place was mad. I hadn't eaten all day and had assumed that the delay wouldn't be too long.
In the meantime, I managed to stay sober whilst conversing with the kid, the smell of alcohol off her breath was enough to knock out a small elephant.
Whilst she was sleeping I had time to reflect on the irony that is life and that this time last year we were also in a waiting room only it was for Mam. The trip to the hospital was extremly difficult, I have to say, I was forced to revisit thoughts I had thought I'd manage to get over.
Luckyily the A&E department is in a completly different section of the hospital so while the hospital smell was familar, the nurses, doctors and location were completly different to where Mam was held. It didn't make things any easier, but I was too busy concentrating on the kid to focus on how I was feeling about being in a place 7 months previous we had say our goodbyes to the most important woman in our lives.
A nice nurse dropped some tea and sandwiches down to us around 12. At around 3 she got seen. Just less then 10 hours waiting. The doctor was concerned about the cuts and the fact that she mentioned she was having sucidical thoughts, which was also news to me I might add. He recommended a psych evaluation which would happen the follwing morning. He wanted to keep her in but she wanted her bed. So we travelled back up this morning after getting to bed at 4 and back up for 8.30.
The guy who took the initial psych eval was the head nurse who took care of Mam when she was in ICU and I began to wonder did God have some sick sense of humour. To add insult to injury he remembered us. I just about managed to hold things together without bursting into tears.
However while sitting waiting for the physicharist to arrive, there was a lady in one of the trollies along the corridor who reminded me so much of Mam. Some people were shouting at the staff, demanding to be seen by the doctor etc, but this lady was so polite and every time she asked for something simple like a bed pan she was so apologectic. I nearly lost it again but held it together, the kid had enough guilt about the night spent in here without feeling guilty about my emotions. The physicharist wrote a letter also recommending her to the self help clinic the counseller had already spoken of, so hopefully she'll be bumped up the list.
In the meantime, I feel like I can't leave her on her own with anything sharp. She had been using a safety pin and a compass to cut into her arms.
The shock thing we now have to deal with is fact that she wants to end her life. Its so hard to babysit someone who feels like this.
Of course, trying to sort out a punishment was fun as we didn't want to appear to be coming down too hard on top of trying to discipline her.
Right now I am just sooo tired but glad she's alright. She's in the shower right now, yelling about someone turning on or off taps!
Its times like this that makes me wonder what goes through her head when she does all these self destructive things. Its obvious that she wanted to end things yesterday and that thought scares me more then anything else. Mammy 2 has been pondering things and worries that we might be at fault. Its hard to stress that what she is feeling now and how she is hurting is all within herself and there is nothing more we can do for her except support her, make sure she gets the treatment she needs and be there for her, as Hallmark as that sounds.
This time of the year is so hard, because Mam took really sick around this time and I have a feeling this might be when things are coming to a head now.
Anyhow, I am heading to bed for some sleep. I shall regale you with tales of assholes in A&E tomorrow if I can stay awake long enough to type!
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